Tag: depression

I’m Off To See The Wizard

Ok not the wizard….

I’m off the see the psychiatrist.

And of course with my luck I am dragging along an eight year old with a migraine.

At the moment my level of satisfaction with this particular doctor is pretty low. After repeated suggestions on my part that my mood is strongly affected by my period, she continues to schedule me to see her exactly eight weeks later.  So every other month she is seeing me at my best time of the month.

Also because I get nervous about discussing my feelings, I have a habit of taking a sedative in the morning. So while I’m well past the max effect when she sees me I still appear calmer than I actually am.

We have also have always started by discussing the events of my life. So that by the time we are done that there is no time to review my medication so we haven’t made changes that I was told would happen.

Today I pull back the curtain

Today I have not taken any sedative so I am not feeling particularly calm.

This will give her better insight into how well I actually am.

Also when my doctor gave me the news that instead of just Trigeminal Neuralgia I seem to have Fibromyalgia as well he sent her a note that I may not be doing that well.

And while as long as I stay on top of taking my medication we have managed to get to an overall pain level of about 2,  we have not been able to get it lower than that and I also still have spikes of pain that reach about a level 8.

This weekend we missed softball practice because I literally was in so much pain I could not drive there. How is that acceptable?

So today I plan to…..

Start by asking about my medication.

Insist on appointments that are seven weeks apart so that she sees at different points in my cycle.

And bringing my daily wellness log so that I do not gloss over how frustrated I actually am with my state of being.

Wish me luck,

XOXO Alice

Losing 45 Pounds And How I Had To Change

I just hit the 45 pound mark in my weight loss journey.  My end goal was 50, and if that happens I will be ecstatic.  As it is I weigh less right now than my husband for the first time in the 7.5 years that we have known each other.

So if I don’t lose another 5 pounds I won’t be too distressed.  I wanted to find my body again and learn to appreciate it, I’ve done that.

This picture was taken almost 2 years ago, I was heavy.  I weighed as much than as I did when I gave birth, both times.  I have a special knack for not see any pictures of myself during that time.  Today as I cropped this picture for the article I actually saw how big I had really gotten. But the truth about being that overweight was that in a way it was a penance (my scarlet letter of sorts) that I was wearing because my mind was so overwhelmed with depression.  It took a LONG time to find a good balance of coping skills and medication. But I have spent the last two years learning those improved coping skills and working with a psychiatrist to fix my medications.  I participated in a CBT program and changed employment situations, twice.

One year in……

That picture was taken about 9 months into my weight loss journey, I had just finished my first round of Whole30, I had lost about 20 pounds at this point.

During that time I was working with the psychiatrist on finding the correct doses for my medication.  And while I was still having emotional struggles, my now husband, and I had gotten engaged and I was improving.  In addition to completing a Whole30  which helped me to physically feel better I also discovered Brian Tracy’s 30 Day Affirmation Challenge. So for 30 days I consciously spoke kindly to myself, I repeated their phrases on the specific day.  I also recycled some when they seemed especially relevant. I am mean really you can’t tell yourself that you are getting better everyday too many times.

40 pounds down in time for the big day

Some 18 months in……

As my wedding approached I took part in a wonderful cognitive behaviour group.  And I ate very close to the Whole30 guidelines. I changed employment situations, and that was a major key.  My job and most of all getting myself to my job caused me horrible daily anxiety.  So by this time I have a good support system in place.  And I was working full-time from home, which importantly allowed me to be available to my kids. So while I had emotionally difficult moments, that’s all they were, was moments.  In general I was finally believing that things would essentially be ok. It’s a good feeling and it showed, I was 40 pounds lighter when we got married then when we got engaged.

And now 45 pounds lighter

Not an awesome picture because I was alone when I took it and I have not mastered the art of the selfie, but here I am 45 pounds lighter.  And closer to a calm state of mind than I can recall being in a long time.  I’m finally learning about boundaries and self-care.

So I started this journey clawing my way through every pound and as it turns out, every weight loss plateau I managed to conquer required emotional conquest first.

I’ve changed employment situations again and thankfully have a chance to take advantage of more time with the kids and more time to create.

Who knows where I’ll go from here, but I’m in great place.  And the more I show gratitude to my body the more it gives me to be grateful for.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Alice Pond