A Torturous Fourscore Update 1

The first of three important appointments is over

The first appointment was my dad’s meeting with his Oncologist. So mid-week last week we were going to find out if his cancer was contained to the prostate or if it had spread. As much as we all tried not to mention it and look to the best, the truth is that this was the hardest answer to wait for even though it was the shortest wait. There is a big difference in treat-ability if the cancer has remained localized and in his case it has.

No cancer is good, but since it is there this was the best possible outcome. The outlook is good, and he’ll even get his first tattoo for the radiation.

The excruciating wait

Without a doubt this appointment was the scariest of the three. Of course we all told ourselves that it hadn’t spread and this was just a necessary step for treatment, they had to know the exact location; that was it.

None of us actually knew that for sure; and I am not ready for this to be more than it is.

Sweet Relief

I am pretty sure that I did spend a minute away from my phone or computer on Wednesday. I had no idea what time his appointment was, so all there was to do was wait. Early afternoon we got the email from my mom that the cancer had not spread, and a treatment plan had been made. I was able to send messages to my brothers and husband on my way to bed for a nap, that was it. The immediate exhaustion that I felt in that moment of relief was more than I could handle. So I slept for a few hours then and have been doing my best to catch up on the rest of my missing sleep since then.

Gratitude

The saying that a dad is a girl’s first hero could not be any truer in my case.

I can’t say that he always understood what I was going through but he was always there. I didn’t realize it at the time but washing those dishes together every night instead of getting a dishwasher like everyone else cemented a bond that I like to tell myself is special to us.

He’s smart and logical so I still don’t hesitate to go to him for advice and I was not prepared to imagine my life without him but for now I don’t have to.

I am grateful to both of my parents for being the parents that they were and still are.

I’m grateful for the relationship that I have with them and also for the relationship that they make sure to have with their grandchildren.

I am grateful for our family.

XOXO Alice

Some Times It Doesn’t Need To Be Perfect

Is The Idea Of Perfection Getting You Down

I started this website/blog so that I could share my thoughts and ideas. Also so that I could get practice running a website for another venture.

The problem is that I never publish on this website.

I get so caught up with thinking of the perfect subject or the perfect way to write about it.

I worry about what the people I know will think of what I write. I wonder if my kids will find this one day and what they will think of it.

All of these thoughts have been preventing me from actually doing what I was supposed to which is to write.

I needed to sit back and re-examine why I had this website.

It wasn’t about impressing people or sharing any life changing secrets, it’s just about writing and sharing my story.

Giving those few people who may be interested a small glimpse into my life.

Living with and managing chronic illnesses while raising two absolutely amazing little beings. I’m pretty certain there will be plenty of available subject matter. So I am letting go of the idea of finding a perfect subject, it would be something different for everybody.

What I will do is embrace myself and share my journey; with those who are interested that is.

family walking — Stay tuned for more of antics

XOXO Alice

What My Daughter Needed To Know About Why I Left My Job

I was a little slow on the up take here but I finally realized that I needed to clear up a misunderstanding Margo had about me leaving my job.

A friend of hers asked what I had gone to school for and to simplify it for her I just said that I had gone to be able to work for lawyers. I told her that I actually had worked for lawyers for a while.

So Margo pipes up and says “yes but you got fired because you had to stay home with me too many times”

At first I got kind of peeved because I’ve told her before that I did not get fired, I was offered another job and I took it. I felt insulted that she keep saying this to people.

It wasn’t until just today that I realized that she has been walking around thinking that she got me fired because she was sick too often. Like I said I was slow on the uptake.

So we had a very important conversation about how I had not been fired because of her.

Yes my job was threatened at one point because I missed time due to her being sick.

We still don’t know what had been wrong with her, the initial diagnosis was scarlet fever due to a rash and extreme fatigue.

Only she didn’t get better, and then her brother and I also got sick so we were all swabbed for strep throat.

We got better and she didn’t.

For weeks she was missing about 2 days of school every week. Cory and I alternated who would stay home with her.

Then came the blood tests to check for lyme disease, and I had the doctor measure a mole on her head that we have been keeping tabs on for years now. No lyme disease, and the mole was not concerning.

Leading up to this she had been doing trampoline lessons twice a week but we had to pull her because she couldn’t finish the sessions.

Over Christmas break she finally started to feel better and by the time she returned to school in January there was no issue.

Around November, which was when we started looking farther into it, I got called into my boss’ office. Where he proceeded to actually berate me for my decision that she needed to be around her parents during this time. Which was insulting from the get go; but while I disagreed with tactics I did understand his position. For the most part I like him, so I would have gotten over it. Except he then proceeded to tell me that I owed it to my children to keep this job. This low paying job, that required me to pay to park downtown and for daycare. This soul sucking job that had actually caused me so much mental duress that after many times of me refusing to take stress leave (because I thought I’d end up fired for it) my psychiatrist imposed a two week leave on me.

This was the job that he believed I owed it to my children to keep. I knew that day that I would leave.

It took four months to get another offer but I did. This job meant I was home for the kids. No daycare, No downtown parking, in fact quite often on the days that my children did have to stay home my co-workers don’t even know.

There was absolutely no question as to which job I would choose.

Life threw us a curve ball as it often does and I’m no longer at that job either. I have not ever regretted my decision though.

Being a mother to Margo and Atticus made me the person that I am.

Every family is different and their priorities are their own but I chose mine, they call me mom.

XOXO Alice