The first appointment was my dad’s meeting with his Oncologist. So mid-week last week we were going to find out if his cancer was contained to the prostate or if it had spread. As much as we all tried not to mention it and look to the best, the truth is that this was the hardest answer to wait for even though it was the shortest wait. There is a big difference in treat-ability if the cancer has remained localized and in his case it has.
No cancer is good, but since it is there this was the best possible outcome. The outlook is good, and he’ll even get his first tattoo for the radiation.
The excruciating wait
Without a doubt this appointment was the scariest of the three. Of course we all told ourselves that it hadn’t spread and this was just a necessary step for treatment, they had to know the exact location; that was it.
None of us actually knew that for sure; and I am not ready for this to be more than it is.
Sweet Relief
I am pretty sure that I did spend a minute away from my phone or computer on Wednesday. I had no idea what time his appointment was, so all there was to do was wait. Early afternoon we got the email from my mom that the cancer had not spread, and a treatment plan had been made. I was able to send messages to my brothers and husband on my way to bed for a nap, that was it. The immediate exhaustion that I felt in that moment of relief was more than I could handle. So I slept for a few hours then and have been doing my best to catch up on the rest of my missing sleep since then.
Gratitude
The saying that a dad is a girl’s first hero could not be any truer in my case.
I can’t say that he always understood what I was going through but he was always there. I didn’t realize it at the time but washing those dishes together every night instead of getting a dishwasher like everyone else cemented a bond that I like to tell myself is special to us.
He’s smart and logical so I still don’t hesitate to go to him for advice and I was not prepared to imagine my life without him but for now I don’t have to.
I am grateful to both of my parents for being the parents that they were and still are.
I’m grateful for the relationship that I have with them and also for the relationship that they make sure to have with their grandchildren.
And of course with my luck I am dragging along an eight year old with a migraine.
At the moment my level of satisfaction with this particular doctor is pretty low. After repeated suggestions on my part that my mood is strongly affected by my period, she continues to schedule me to see her exactly eight weeks later. So every other month she is seeing me at my best time of the month.
Also because I get nervous about discussing my feelings, I have a habit of taking a sedative in the morning. So while I’m well past the max effect when she sees me I still appear calmer than I actually am.
We have also have always started by discussing the events of my life. So that by the time we are done that there is no time to review my medication so we haven’t made changes that I was told would happen.
Today I pull back the curtain
Today I have not taken any sedative so I am not feeling particularly calm.
This will give her better insight into how well I actually am.
Also when my doctor gave me the news that instead of just Trigeminal Neuralgia I seem to have Fibromyalgia as well he sent her a note that I may not be doing that well.
And while as long as I stay on top of taking my medication we have managed to get to an overall pain level of about 2, we have not been able to get it lower than that and I also still have spikes of pain that reach about a level 8.
This weekend we missed softball practice because I literally was in so much pain I could not drive there. How is that acceptable?
So today I plan to…..
Start by asking about my medication.
Insist on appointments that are seven weeks apart so that she sees at different points in my cycle.
And bringing my daily wellness log so that I do not gloss over how frustrated I actually am with my state of being.
I started this website/blog so that I could share my thoughts and ideas. Also so that I could get practice running a website for another venture.
The problem is that I never publish on this website.
I get so caught up with thinking of the perfect subject or the perfect way to write about it.
Mistimed Family Picture
I worry about what the people I know will think of what I write. I wonder if my kids will find this one day and what they will think of it.
All of these thoughts have been preventing me from actually doing what I was supposed to which is to write.
I needed to sit back and re-examine why I had this website.
It wasn’t about impressing people or sharing any life changing secrets, it’s just about writing and sharing my story.
Not quite right either
Giving those few people who may be interested a small glimpse into my life.
Living with and managing chronic illnesses while raising two absolutely amazing little beings. I’m pretty certain there will be plenty of available subject matter. So I am letting go of the idea of finding a perfect subject, it would be something different for everybody.
What I will do is embrace myself and share my journey; with those who are interested that is.
I was a little slow on the up take here but I finally realized that I needed to clear up a misunderstanding Margo had about me leaving my job.
A friend of hers asked what I had gone to school for and to simplify it for her I just said that I had gone to be able to work for lawyers. I told her that I actually had worked for lawyers for a while.
So Margo pipes up and says “yes but you got fired because you had to stay home with me too many times”
At first I got kind of peeved because I’ve told her before that I did not get fired, I was offered another job and I took it. I felt insulted that she keep saying this to people.
It wasn’t until just today that I realized that she has been walking around thinking that she got me fired because she was sick too often. Like I said I was slow on the uptake.
So we had a very important conversation about how I had not been fired because of her.
Yes my job was threatened at one point because I missed time due to her being sick.
We still don’t know what had been wrong with her, the initial diagnosis was scarlet fever due to a rash and extreme fatigue.
Only she didn’t get better, and then her brother and I also got sick so we were all swabbed for strep throat.
We got better and she didn’t.
For weeks she was missing about 2 days of school every week. Cory and I alternated who would stay home with her.
Then came the blood tests to check for lyme disease, and I had the doctor measure a mole on her head that we have been keeping tabs on for years now. No lyme disease, and the mole was not concerning.
Leading up to this she had been doing trampoline lessons twice a week but we had to pull her because she couldn’t finish the sessions.
Over Christmas break she finally started to feel better and by the time she returned to school in January there was no issue.
Around November, which was when we started looking farther into it, I got called into my boss’ office. Where he proceeded to actually berate me for my decision that she needed to be around her parents during this time. Which was insulting from the get go; but while I disagreed with tactics I did understand his position. For the most part I like him, so I would have gotten over it. Except he then proceeded to tell me that I owed it to my children to keep this job. This low paying job, that required me to pay to park downtown and for daycare. This soul sucking job that had actually caused me so much mental duress that after many times of me refusing to take stress leave (because I thought I’d end up fired for it) my psychiatrist imposed a two week leave on me.
This was the job that he believed I owed it to my children to keep. I knew that day that I would leave.
It took four months to get another offer but I did. This job meant I was home for the kids. No daycare, No downtown parking, in fact quite often on the days that my children did have to stay home my co-workers don’t even know.
There was absolutely no question as to which job I would choose.
Life threw us a curve ball as it often does and I’m no longer at that job either. I have not ever regretted my decision though.
Being a mother to Margo and Atticus made me the person that I am.
Every family is different and their priorities are their own but I chose mine, they call me mom.
I Wish I Could Just Happily Await Birthday Celebrations
I really do…….
But I can’t. I am an actual crazy person leading up to my birthday.
Essentially me before my birthday
My daughter’s birthday is just six days before mine. And I love it. Planning for her birthday makes me happy.
See, to me birthday’s are meant to be a big deal. Every other holiday belongs to every person. But on your birthday it feels awesome to have people acknowledge that they are grateful that you exist. And that’s really what it is, I want to feel like those close to me are grateful for my existence in their lives.
Unfortunately there have been some years where the people closest to me have really dropped the ball. I mean flat out forgetting to acknowledge my birthday or much worse, intentionally deciding that since my birthday is so close to my daughter’s I no longer needed any acknowledgement. WHAT???? That is just cruel, I may be an adult and a mother but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have feelings, even some pretty petty ones.
And this year I happened to still be emotionally recovering from six months of chronic face pain, as well as adjusting to new medication. Add in that I am weaning off one of my antidepressants and the mood stabilizer that I have been taking daily for two years. It was not pretty. I started freaking out the day after my daughter’s birthday,interesting that was also the day I got the diagnosis of Trigeminal Neuralgia. Things weren’t looking good, and of course we had cancellations of plans (every frigging year).
Then came my Eureka moment
And Breakthrough Time
I sometimes struggle to find to find my physical voice when I’m not sure how what I’m thinking/feeling will be received. I don’t however lose my ability to have these feelings in the first place, so I still need to do something about them. Here is where the written word comes in so handy.
And actually writing didn’t occur to me naturally, because I didn’t write well.
As I got older and recognized how important writing well would be if I wanted to move beyond serving and retail jobs. I enjoyed those jobs but after becoming a mother I wanted something more stable, insert insane laughter because of how that worked out. As my written language improved I realized that writing allowed me to compose my feelings. Writing about it allows me to actually see what I’m working with. And some of it, once I see it, I realize that it’s not really the big deal I was imagining.
It also allows me to compose an email, this comes in handy when I’m dealing with my husband. He is so caring but he is also away more than he is home, so email and text are a big part of our daily communication. Once he’s done work for the day the kids are home from school so phone calls don’t have the luxury of being private.
So I wrote an email about all my birthday feelings. Where they stem from and things that have amplified them. Past birthdays are done, so they are fact now and can’t be changed. I finally realized that they just needed to be forgiven so I could move forward. It also opened up some honest communication about the aspects we were seeing from entirely different angles. Wow, this was some major stuff for me.
Dinner with my lovely mother
It just so happened that my mom was in town for my birthday weekend and we were both available to have dinner just the two of us. It had been so long since we had done that. I figured that with my birthday issues behind me we would just enjoy a quiet kid free dinner. Except I’m still my mom’s baby and having her as a captive audience was long overdue.
I broke down and cried and then cried so much more. My mom is a special woman and being with her while not having to wear all of my masks (mother, wife, sister) I got to just release it all. Everything that I had been hiding and holding came out in a powerful wave.
T-minus 1 Day
It’s party day.
I start by getting my hair done. Then we had our children and five of their friends swimming in the hotel pool. I did not swim due to the hair being freshly done, but I manned the hot tub while my husband handled the pool. It was a blast.
We had another cancellation and I was okay.
After all the friends were picked up we left our little people at the hotel with grandma. We went home to get ready for a fancy Keg dinner with A friend because that’s all we had left. But I was okay. In my week of crying and writing I realized something very important. Every other time of the year I am beyond grateful for the people in my life. I have so much support and love. And I have been working so hard on loving myself. So why would I let one day carry so much weigh. In past years those cancellations would have destroyed me even though every single one was totally legitimate. But this year I felt okay. And wouldn’t you know it, two friends became available to join us. It was a delicious dinner that I loved, it paired nicely with all the wine we drank. After dinner at the pub we found two more friends. I had a frigging blast.
And it’s birthday time
I got to shop, see my mom and then shop some more. I got books and paints, if you’re interested. And we had some quiet time. Then after dinner, Cory and the kids brought up balloons for me (balloons are a big deal at our house) and a special gluten free white cake he had ordered for me. I also got to open more art supplies and a gift card to Michaels. It was perfect.
Huge Thank-yous
To Cory, my love, for dealing with me and my crazy every year. Here’s to hoping they go a little more smoothly in the future.
To my Mom for being here with me, and for listening in a way only you can do.
To my lovelies, Margo and Atticus, for your unwavering affection and love even on the bad days.
To my circle, thank-you to all of you who make me feel like my existence is important all year round.
I just hit the 45 pound mark in my weight loss journey. My end goal was 50, and if that happens I will be ecstatic. As it is I weigh less right now than my husband for the first time in the 7.5 years that we have known each other.
So if I don’t lose another 5 pounds I won’t be too distressed. I wanted to find my body again and learn to appreciate it, I’ve done that.
This picture was taken almost 2 years ago, I was heavy. I weighed as much than as I did when I gave birth, both times. I have a special knack for not see any pictures of myself during that time. Today as I cropped this picture for the article I actually saw how big I had really gotten. But the truth about being that overweight was that in a way it was a penance (my scarlet letter of sorts) that I was wearing because my mind was so overwhelmed with depression. It took a LONG time to find a good balance of coping skills and medication. But I have spent the last two years learning those improved coping skills and working with a psychiatrist to fix my medications. I participated in a CBT program and changed employment situations, twice.
One year in……
That picture was taken about 9 months into my weight loss journey, I had just finished my first round of Whole30, I had lost about 20 pounds at this point.
During that time I was working with the psychiatrist on finding the correct doses for my medication. And while I was still having emotional struggles, my now husband, and I had gotten engaged and I was improving. In addition to completing a Whole30 which helped me to physically feel better I also discovered Brian Tracy’s 30 Day Affirmation Challenge. So for 30 days I consciously spoke kindly to myself, I repeated their phrases on the specific day. I also recycled some when they seemed especially relevant. I am mean really you can’t tell yourself that you are getting better everyday too many times.
40 pounds down in time for the big day
Some 18 months in……
As my wedding approached I took part in a wonderful cognitive behaviour group. And I ate very close to the Whole30 guidelines. I changed employment situations, and that was a major key. My job and most of all getting myself to my job caused me horrible daily anxiety. So by this time I have a good support system in place. And I was working full-time from home, which importantly allowed me to be available to my kids. So while I had emotionally difficult moments, that’s all they were, was moments. In general I was finally believing that things would essentially be ok. It’s a good feeling and it showed, I was 40 pounds lighter when we got married then when we got engaged.
And now 45 pounds lighter
Not an awesome picture because I was alone when I took it and I have not mastered the art of the selfie, but here I am 45 pounds lighter. And closer to a calm state of mind than I can recall being in a long time. I’m finally learning about boundaries and self-care.
So I started this journey clawing my way through every pound and as it turns out, every weight loss plateau I managed to conquer required emotional conquest first.
I’ve changed employment situations again and thankfully have a chance to take advantage of more time with the kids and more time to create.
Who knows where I’ll go from here, but I’m in great place. And the more I show gratitude to my body the more it gives me to be grateful for.
