November 2017 – Empress Of Life

The first of three important appointments is over

The first appointment was my dad’s meeting with his Oncologist. So mid-week last week we were going to find out if his cancer was contained to the prostate or if it had spread. As much as we all tried not to mention it and look to the best, the truth is that this was the hardest answer to wait for even though it was the shortest wait. There is a big difference in treat-ability if the cancer has remained localized and in his case it has.

No cancer is good, but since it is there this was the best possible outcome. The outlook is good, and he’ll even get his first tattoo for the radiation.

The excruciating wait

Without a doubt this appointment was the scariest of the three. Of course we all told ourselves that it hadn’t spread and this was just a necessary step for treatment, they had to know the exact location; that was it.

None of us actually knew that for sure; and I am not ready for this to be more than it is.

Sweet Relief

I am pretty sure that I did spend a minute away from my phone or computer on Wednesday. I had no idea what time his appointment was, so all there was to do was wait. Early afternoon we got the email from my mom that the cancer had not spread, and a treatment plan had been made. I was able to send messages to my brothers and husband on my way to bed for a nap, that was it. The immediate exhaustion that I felt in that moment of relief was more than I could handle. So I slept for a few hours then and have been doing my best to catch up on the rest of my missing sleep since then.

Gratitude

The saying that a dad is a girl’s first hero could not be any truer in my case.

I can’t say that he always understood what I was going through but he was always there. I didn’t realize it at the time but washing those dishes together every night instead of getting a dishwasher like everyone else cemented a bond that I like to tell myself is special to us.

He’s smart and logical so I still don’t hesitate to go to him for advice and I was not prepared to imagine my life without him but for now I don’t have to.

I am grateful to both of my parents for being the parents that they were and still are.

I’m grateful for the relationship that I have with them and also for the relationship that they make sure to have with their grandchildren.

I am grateful for our family.

XOXO Alice

We have all heard it….

“It’s vitally important that you complete this (insert task) as quickly as possible.”

So after you rush to do your part you discover that you have to wait to see another more specialized doctor/advisor/etc..

Our family has had several different balls hangings around in this limbo of nothing else for us to do except wait x number of months to see someone else.

At this point it has become our status quo and I’ve stopped expecting answers.

Suddenly November happens.

Public Service Announcement

The next two weeks are going to hold enough emotions to fuel a jet pack and that’s just from me.

A torturous fourscore

Today we find out if my father’s prostate cancer is confined to his prostate and that will decide his course of treatment.

In six days we are meeting with the paediatrician who has been assessing Atticus for Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Lastly in thirteen days I meet a new psychiatrist for an updated and unbiased assessment; it’s not coincidence that she has a special interest in adult ADHD.

Thankfully there should be a break in major assessments after that until the New Year when Margo gets to start her round of appointments and tests for ADHD and possible learning disabilities.

Yikes!! Where can I hide?

No where. There is no where that I can hide because hiding isn’t an option.

I need to keep it together and continue to put one lunch bag in front of another until we get through each day and each day beyond that.

I won’t pretend that I am at the top of my game or that I’ve slept that much in the last two days. I can however say with absolute conviction that I have not fallen apart. This a pretty big deal for me because 1) there have been times where I would have 2) I have a family that needs me to keep it together.

Margo and Atticus will be looking at their adults to help process their own emotions, I would like to set a positive example.

Getting a little guidance

So I am looking at some of the positive behaviours already being presented within our own family.

Cory has an unwavering ability to see the possibility of a positive outcome. Even today where we already know my father has cancer and there is no way to make that a positive thing he still operates on the assumption that it’s easily treatable and today is just one step in the process.

My mother frequently reminds us that while it is upsetting they are still okay. Watching her get through her day reminds me that I can get through mine. Her acceptance that they are just going to make the best of it no matter what today brings is inspirational.

My father himself; chooses knowledge. Knowledge after all is power. Every appointment is a chance to learn more about what is happening within him. I think for him there was a certain amount of relief in discovering the cancer. Now he has an explanation for why he has been feeling so lousy and now that we have that answer we work on the next followed by the next until we arrive at treatment.

So I am following their examples and hoping I can set a good one while I’m at it.

No matter what answers the next two weeks bring for us at least we will have answers.

With answers we can make a plan, because we will get through this.