I Wish I Could Just Happily Await Birthday Celebrations

I really do…….

But I can’t. I am an actual crazy person leading up to my birthday.

My daughter’s birthday is just six days before mine. And I love it. Planning for her birthday makes me happy.

See, to me birthday’s are meant to be a big deal. Every other holiday belongs to every person. But on your birthday it feels awesome to have people acknowledge that they are grateful that you exist. And that’s really what it is, I want to feel like those close to me are grateful for my existence in their lives.

Unfortunately there have been some years where the people closest to me have really dropped the ball. I mean flat out forgetting to acknowledge my birthday or much worse, intentionally deciding that since my birthday is so close to my daughter’s I no longer needed any acknowledgement. WHAT???? That is just cruel, I may be an adult and a mother but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have feelings, even some pretty petty ones.

And this year I happened to still be emotionally recovering from six months of chronic face pain, as well as adjusting to new medication. Add in that I am weaning off one of my antidepressants and the mood stabilizer that I have been taking daily for two years. It was not pretty. I started freaking out the day after my daughter’s birthday,interesting that was also the day I got the diagnosis of Trigeminal Neuralgia. Things weren’t looking good, and of course we had cancellations of plans (every frigging year).

Then came my Eureka moment

I sometimes struggle to find to find my physical voice when I’m not sure how what I’m thinking/feeling will be received. I don’t however lose my ability to have these feelings in the first place, so I still need to do something about them. Here is where the written word comes in so handy.

And actually writing didn’t occur to me naturally, because I didn’t write well.

As I got older and recognized how important writing well would be if I wanted to move beyond serving and retail jobs. I enjoyed those jobs but after becoming a mother I wanted something more stable, insert insane laughter because of how that worked out. As my written language improved I realized that writing allowed me to compose my feelings. Writing about it allows me to actually see what I’m working with. And some of it, once I see it, I realize that it’s not really the big deal I was imagining.

It also allows me to compose an email, this comes in handy when I’m dealing with my husband. He is so caring but he is also away more than he is home, so email and text are a big part of our daily communication. Once he’s done work for the day the kids are home from school so phone calls don’t have the luxury of being private.

So I wrote an email about all my birthday feelings. Where they stem from and things that have amplified them. Past birthdays are done, so they are fact now and can’t be changed. I finally realized that they just needed to be forgiven so I could move forward. It also opened up some honest communication about the aspects we were seeing from entirely different angles. Wow, this was some major stuff for me.

Dinner with my lovely mother

It just so happened that my mom was in town for my birthday weekend and we were both available to have dinner just the two of us. It had been so long since we had done that. I figured that with my birthday issues behind me we would just enjoy a quiet kid free dinner. Except I’m still my mom’s baby and having her as a captive audience was long overdue.

I broke down and cried and then cried so much more. My mom is a special woman and being with her while not having to wear all of my masks (mother, wife, sister) I got to just release it all. Everything that I had been hiding and holding came out in a powerful wave.

T-minus 1 Day

It’s party day.

I start by getting my hair done. Then we had our children and five of their friends swimming in the hotel pool. I did not swim due to the hair being freshly done, but I manned the hot tub while my husband handled the pool. It was a blast.

We had another cancellation and I was okay.

After all the friends were picked up we left our little people at the hotel with grandma. We went home to get ready for a fancy Keg dinner with A friend because that’s all we had left. But I was okay. In my week of crying and writing I realized something very important. Every other time of the year I am beyond grateful for the people in my life. I have so much support and love. And I have been working so hard on loving myself. So why would I let one day carry so much weigh. In past years those cancellations would have destroyed me even though every single one was totally legitimate. But this year I felt okay. And wouldn’t you know it, two friends became available to join us. It was a delicious dinner that I loved, it paired nicely with all the wine we drank. After dinner at the pub we found two more friends. I had a frigging blast.

And it’s birthday time

I got to shop, see my mom and then shop some more. I got books and paints, if you’re interested. And we had some quiet time. Then after dinner, Cory and the kids brought up balloons for me (balloons are a big deal at our house) and a special gluten free white cake he had ordered for me. I also got to open more art supplies and a gift card to Michaels. It was perfect.

Huge Thank-yous

To Cory, my love, for dealing with me and my crazy every year. Here’s to hoping they go a little more smoothly in the future.

To my Mom for being here with me, and for listening in a way only you can do.

To my lovelies, Margo and Atticus, for your unwavering affection and love even on the bad days.

To my circle, thank-you to all of you who make me feel like my existence is important all year round.

xoxo

As Always Alice

Trigeminal Neuralgia, What is it?

Definition

Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) is a neurological syndrome characterized by excruciating pain to the face. It is chronic and progressive. While remissions of up to 6 months in length are reported by up to 50% of TN patients, it usually returns and most often becomes more frequent and severe over time. While a fortunate subset of patients with typical TN are able to achieve long-term and/or permanent pain relief with a procedure called microvascular decompression (MVD), for many others there is no cure. (This was taken from Face Facts)

My journey to a diagnosis

I wish I could say that my diagnosis came quickly and easily, it did not.

In August one day I had excoriating pain all over the left side of my face. Following that came several weeks of wide spread pain all over my body. So off to the doctor I went. Disturbingly in addition to the pain I was extremely forgetful and I was frequently reversing the order of words.

The doctor recommended OTC painkillers and a heating pad while we waited for test results. We scheduled a follow up for two weeks later. According to my blood work I should be healthy. So we scheduled a brain scan but it was going to take a few weeks to get in.

I couldn’t sit ideal for weeks letting my brain run away with itself.

Off to the dentist I go

While I’m waiting for the MRI I decide to go to the dentist. I had a pretty awful bicycle accident when I was young and it did a substantial amount of damage. As I spoke with the dentist he told me that it sounded like a nerve issue and my visual check up didn’t show any concerns. I asked for x-rays including an in-depth wrap around image as well. To their surprise they found two abscesses. So I started some antibiotics and we scheduled the root canals. One was successful, the other tooth was too calcified.

So it’s off to the endodontist. He believed that he would be able to do a traditional root canal. I was so grateful to hear that I would finally feel better. The utter relief I felt at the idea was overwhelming. So root canal day comes and I have a system for any major dental work, I take an oral sedative, put on dark glasses and insert earbuds to listen to an audio book or a meditation program. At this particular office they also put a quilt on me and prop my mouth open so I actually sleep. Only when they woke me the root canal had not been successful and I needed to heal for three weeks before I could have surgery through my gums instead. So I waited patiently.

Then surgery day came !!!!! YAY!

And then oh my god, the pain as the sedative and the freezing wore off at the same time. My kids were barely home from school when I threw up into a bowl in the living room because I wasn’t going to make it anywhere else. Side note is that when Atticus told Margo she confirmed with him that I had a bowl and I was alright, then she told him to leave me alone and not to watch. I adore that kid.

So a week later I went back and I have this awful migraine, it’s all consuming. They remove my stitches and check how I’m healing, everything looks great. If I could just kick this migraine. Except I don’t kick the migraine. It’s never ending, and now my sinuses seem to be inflamed. I reach a point where I have a migraine, light sensitivity, cheek and sinus pain, only on the left side, then comes the boat load of pain at the surgical location. But I have no fever and no inflammation. So I start using a nasal spray and allergy medicine, to see if it’s all sinus related.

Monday after dropping the kids off at school I had enough and I went to the clinic. At this point except for some reprieve for a week after the first two dental procedures I have been in high levels of pain for six months. I am sobbing. He asked where the pain was most intense, he checked my ears and throat, we discussed all the dental work and the previous pain. Then he checked my facial muscles. And told me quite plainly that he believes it is Trigeminal Neuralgia. He wrote a note for my doctor, prescribed me enough lyrica for two weeks and told me to see my doctor after I had been taking it for a few days. Turns out that positive reactions to anticonvulsant medication is considered a positive diagnosis.

But before I could allow myself to fully believe that I had this lifelong illness that would always require managing, I decided to have a consult with my dentist again. We took new x-rays and did a new exam, everything is healing great. He agreed with the clinic doctor’s diagnosis. He said it was the first time he was disappointed to tell someone that they had no dental issues. He also reminded that there are treatments available.

My feelings have really been all over the board today. I spent months thinking I had a nerve issue, or had suffered a stroke. But then it was as though I had been given a golden ticket and I went through multiple dental procedures including a very painful surgery. Only I didn’t end up fixed; in fact I escalated to the point of vomiting from pain about once a week.

So while having a diagnosis is a great thing because we can start to manage this better, it wasn’t the diagnosis I wanted.

At the end of the day though I know we will deal with this, and I am truly grateful that it is manageable.

XOXO As Always Alice

Month: March 2017

I Have Crazy Pants Level Anxiety About My Birthday